Connection. That is what I thought about last night as I sat and listened to five women talk about love. About the people I have in my life, friends, family, lovers. Those who have helped me on my journey, so far. The lessons I have learnt and how far I have come. I want to share with you the tools I use, the mistakes I've made and the wonderful people who inspire me. Join me for conversations.
There is one lesson that keeps circling and I know it limits me. Holds me back from making deep connections. From being truly successful in my business. It is a core belief about being worthy. It's a doozy, a strong core belief and one that I am slowly disproving, but this one has affected so many areas of my life. The more I am aware of my body, the more I am able to detect it, in how I interact with others.
Have you ever felt like you were on the outside? When you meet people, they just don't warm to you. Or do you analyse everything you say, when you get home. Oh I shouldn't have said that. They won't like me. Or they don't like me. For years, that's was the saga that went on inside my head and occasionally, I still fall within that trap. But that isn't me. It isn't who I am. That's my perception. How do I know what other people think or feel (pretty presumptuous). But this is the energy, I am putting out to the world because that is what I believe about myself, that I am not worthy. That no one will like me, why would anyone be my friend?
My friends, that is just a core belief. It's not true, it is a story I created when I was a child (somewhere in my life) and my subconscious (which is like a sponge) has been doing its job and proving that core belief true. So I have acted certain ways in situations and relationships which has confirmed that core belief and strengthened it. It took me years to understand any of this, to realise that I didn't have to be defined by my past, be triggered by things people said and did. I could choose a new path and eventually my subconscious would reinforce this healthier version of me.
I still struggle with this belief. It is no where near as strong as it once was and most of the time I can choose not to be stuck in that pattern. Most of the time. But I have to realise I am doing it.
These days my I am not worthy core belief manifests itself as a wall when I meet new people. I can hear myself saying things to try and impress new people, to make them believe I am worthy, because I am obviously not feeling that. It feels like I am sitting above people and that's the energy I am putting out, because I am scared. I'm sure I come across as fake, not authentic at all. But once I started to understand that my body gave me signs, because I'm not always quick enough to catch my words or thoughts, it made it easier to see this pattern.
I am able to notice the way I am standing, the way I am feeling and by being aware of that, in that moment I can choose...... And that choice is powerful. That core belief doesn't have to be me. Once I choose to act outside that usual pattern of behaviour, I'm not beholden to that core belief and guess what. People actually like that version of me, which I am often still surprised by.